Numb

Without getting into too much detail, I’ve recently went through a big life change. I made a decision that has made me numb. 

Or is it the Year of the Most Stressful Life Events that has made me numb?

Changing careers. ✅

Prolonged illness followed by the death of my dog. ✅

Adopting a foreign puppy with fear issues. ✅

Getting diagnosed with a life-changing disease. ✅

Moving from a place that I called home for almost 10 years. ✅

The sudden death of my Dad.✅

And now, this. 

How much of life has become just survival? And is this similar to shock, where you don’t realize that you suffered from it until you no longer are?

And how do I make the right decisions if I am just numb?

Isn’t pain the greatest teacher?

Isn’t it the biggest motivator?

I want to put in the work and learn from this experience, from these experiences, but without pain, without feeling anything that helps push me one way or another, how do I trust my perceptions? 

It’s as if I got into an elevator and pushed the 5th floor and when I got out, people were asking me to make decisions on everything I saw on the 2nd-4th floors. 

Just because I travelled through, doesn’t mean I know. 

And I am ok in not knowing, although it’s not easy. 

It’s the being numb; that’s what I am not ok with. 

Because being numb means self-protection. It means that I haven’t given myself grace and compassion…or maybe time, to process the events of this  year. 

But how does one do that and still keep up with lives expectations?

Yet, what if it’s not lives expectations that I can’t keep up with but my own expectations for myself? What will I find if I just let myself go?

And how long will it take to put myself back in order? Is order even possible anymore?

And so, I feel numb about feeling numb and think,”Maybe tomorrow I will know.”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

And so it goes.